Today was a long day in the lab during which I actually didn’t touch much, because well, I’m not allowed yet to play with the radioisotopes and create a probe and blah blah science talk Bonnie shut up. Anyways, there was much waiting around so my PI and I got to talking. At random moments throughout our conversations he would throw out little comments about me that took me by surprise. One being that he doesn’t think I seem to carry much emotional baggage. So either I’ve gotten good at hiding my issues, or I’m doing a whole lot better than I used to. Another thing he threw out there was that I seemed self-aware. This was after I told him I knew I was hopeless at jazz and improvising, but I could play classical, and so that’s all I do. The ironic thing here is that he told me I seem self-aware on a day when I’m actually going insane with worry because well, I don’t have data yet, and it may not work, and I have about a week, and I don’t have a manuscript, and I feel fucked.
Another thing he said is that I just don’t know what I’m doing. In terms of a career direction Which of course is true. At this point in time, I’m lacking a passion for something. And I don’t know what that something is. I thought this summer would help me find it, but so far, no luck really. Genetics is cool. Especially when I’m drunk and surrounding by people really passionate about genetics. But get me sober again, and I’m back to being confused and directionless.
I’m going to stop rambling, because really this is a boring post about how I’m surprised that I don’t come off as more of a lunatic emotional basket case.